-=-> els' private hideout <-=-

2004-05-22T16:53:00.000+08:00

Right... That's the 49th already, so so I'll be writing on the new blog address!

Actually I don't give a damn about exams and results anymore. I have been having fun throughout while people around me have been facing with so much pressure and stress and everything. Heex but it comes with a price right, I'll be dead for the mid years. I just hope I don't get too lousy to be called teachers or H.O.Ds or YuE.

Going for big walk tomorrow. They should have called it the small walk instead. It's only about 5 kilometers, according to WM. A lot of CCHS people would be there I think.

I had some weird dreams. It was my sister buying lots and lots of banana that I think they are about 10 bunches on the kitchen counter and few more in the refrigerator.

I think I'll write more on the new blog at night.

I'll link it over here once I've updated.

HERE'S THE NEW LINK!!!--> click there. "http://zelspeth.diary-x.com" yeah?

Really teleporting this time --

2004-05-22T16:20:00.000+08:00

Last
but
not
least
my
humanities.
Geography
would
probably
be
about
60%
and
Social
Studies
would
be
just
pass,
which
is
50%
I
think.

49 --

2004-05-22T16:18:00.000+08:00

For
the
three
sciences
I
don't
think
I
will
do
well
either.
Fail
or
just
pass
maybe.
Physics
is
going
to
be
the
worst
one,
followed
by
Biology,
then
Chemistry.

48 --

2004-05-22T16:17:00.000+08:00

For Mathematics

It's
going
to
be
about
60
to
70
for
elementary
mathematics
and
only
about
30
out
of
60
for
additional
mathematics.

47 --

2004-05-22T16:14:00.000+08:00

Wanna use the new blog as soon as possible...

So I just waste some space lahx hohx.

I'm
gonna
score
about
40-60
for
my
languages.

=]

46th --

2004-05-21T06:50:00.000+08:00

I'm going to die but I'll be alive.

Left with Indices Surds and Logarithms, the Log. part.

Oh yeah, better remember to bring the circle template again. Wasted 4 marks by not bringing it yesterday for Chemistry.

I should go real soon. Was already late yesterday.

Good luck me --

2004-05-21T06:23:00.000+08:00

Now I've really gotten myself to get addicted to writings on blogs. That's actually bad right... Since the last post, I've been reading blog till about 2 minutes ago when I covered chapter 13-16.

Auspices of the A-Maths test which is about an hour and a half from now seems so unfavourable. Unless the teacher sort of got cranky and mixed up A with E, I'll never be able to get satisfactory results.

Let me just finish up the 1-3 and 10-12.

BrB again [just wasting space] --

2004-05-21T05:32:00.000+08:00

Hey 43!
I hate 20 as well.

Had a smoked fish for dinner. It can only be described with one word, "Wow!. Wow smoked fish!" Geex. I've been watching too much A-I.

Jasmine Trias got booted out. She should be expecting so. But you know, she looked really sweet and stuff. My brother was complaining cus he said that she was the 'chio-est' one there.

Man, I can't believe it. Last two papers already...

Did another template and felt like designing one of my own. Maybe after Saturday.

I haven't read any of the chapters in A-Maths *sobx*

Brb [gotta rush till 50 so I'll just crap some more later] --

2004-05-20T06:24:00.000+08:00

Forgot about this, 42nd then...

I was watching American Idol. Gotta admit that Fantasia Barrino was great, in fact, she should be a singer, but one thing I don't get is that the judges seem to favour her in particular. You see, when Diana DeGarmo sang her chosen song, "Ain't No Mountain Higher", Simon was commenting that she was shouting rather than singing, but I think that Fantasia was doing that in another song and the judges were singing praises on her.

It's so obvious that she would win the competition. The judges said she didn't even need the competition and that they would sign a contract with her right away if they could. Even Clive Davis agreed on that.

Just a personal thought: Jasmine should be out! She didn't seem like the idol type and La Toya London should be in the competition at this moment instead of her. If not for the Hawaiians supporting her. She's beatiful though.

Bahh... 35 minutes left --

2004-05-20T06:13:00.000+08:00

41

Maybe I'll even manage to have 50 by the time I change my blog.

It's been going great actually, the template and stuff and I took a great pleasure in wasting my time on it. Better that way, much better than mugging.

Whenever I hold up my book and decided that I'm going to revise, I seem to be unable to. Like now, I've not even covered any topics on Geography and it's the first paper of the day and it's like wow 6.15 a.m. now. Great, isn't it? Your procrastination ability doesn't disappoint you, at all.

Either one of my parents sent my brother a sms yesterday, asking me to study for my examinations and hoping that I would do well in it. At that time, I was lying on the floor, watching some TV, 完全娱乐 or something. Yeah great, and even after that it didn't stop. I continued to watch and it was the use of the computer that followed.

The conversation didn't get saved on log yesterday. =[ Oh well, I don't think it's of any importance anyway. It's just a casual hi and bye thing, I suppose.

Hrmm... How do I finish 8 chapters in like, 40 minutes? Hey it's possible isn't it?

By the way, it's a nice feeling that nobody seems to be reading this blog.

I'll pour out more from my heart when I get back home later, that is, if nobody's using the laptop. [The computer sux totally]

Good Luck Me --

2004-05-19T18:03:00.000+08:00

Thought I might be back here for just a while again.

I don't like people asking about my examinations. I understand that they are being caring and concerned and everything, but not about examinations. It has been an awful 4 days but I enjoyed it okay. The feeling of excitement when you get your paper and the challenge each question seems to give you, erm, it's fun isn't it?

I've been a lot weird. I choose who I speak to online. It's like sometimes I pretend not to be there when I'm there and pretend I'm there when I'm not.

Oh yeah, had an initiated conversation last night. Let's see, that's about... less than 50 words. My brother insisted he wanted to use 'for a little while' and eventually he took over for the whole night till dawn. There wasn't much content in the conversation but it wasn't the words that matter, right?

The prediction that I made some few days ago, about the mid-year results? I think it's all wrong. Expecting to fail both languages, social studies and yeah. No A1.

19 sux --

2004-05-18T16:43:00.000+08:00

Heyx. 39th entry

What do I have to say...

Oh. Got it.

Don't think I'm just thinking lowly of myself and only to make myself sound bad.

Let's see.

I am not fit to like anyone.
I am not fit to be liked by anyone.

Being truthful --

2004-05-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

38th now...

Bahx forgot to write.

Sight from today:
A pigeon, thinner than what most looks like, with only one foot. It was alone, all alone. It was walking, with one foot and its stump and seemed perfectly fine. Was it happy? Was it sad?

At least, it did not committed suicide.

Shit you --

2004-05-17T21:23:00.001+08:00

37th Entry:

The bloody world
The bloody papers

Shit the world
Shit the papers

I hate you
I hate me

Please shut the world
Please burn the papers

Shh --

2004-05-17T05:34:00.000+08:00

Shit you. Shit the school. Shit SS.

Why am I back here anyway. That makes 36 entry.

Teachers take such pleasure in making life so difficult for students. 3+7 chapters for mid year? Use your brains, that's like 300 pages? Don't expect us to be some stupid mechanical stuff like the computer that only uses memory, not brain.

Let's see... I've completed, wow, so much! Sri Lanka. Northen Ireland. Only. And. I. Fell. Asleep. After. That. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Why don't we have open book test for SS instead. Dumb education system. Didn't they say the government tries to cater to the different abilities of the students? I have big problems here! I can't memorise for goodness sake and forcing students to do that.

And why am I here? Shit blogger. Shit the net. Shit the computer.

Don't get me wrong. I love examination periods. It's just that... I'm here and haven't completed any chapter. All great! Yeah?

Ignore my rants --

2004-05-11T18:15:00.000+08:00

I have decided. I am going to change my blog address. I'm not going to use blogger anymore [hope none of the staff sees this and delete this because of that].

Blogger have been really erm nice but not really to my liking. It's a bit difficult to change the template and everything, in another words, not that user-friendly.

Have had a great time using blogger since Feb 27th and having 35 postings in all, including this, but I certainly have to change!

I'll write the link to the new blog address some time soon.

Oh that darn mid-year thing is starting this Sat.

And oh, brother came over yesterday, bringing lots of food and comics! Yayyy! There's the Ice Solo and Char Kway Teow and Brownies and Gepuk [some meat thing] and Pisang Bolen [Kartika Sari - Two thumbs up!] and some bread with fillings that I love very much and Cashew nuts with special 'coating'. And DVDs and I watched Peter Pan. *dreamy grin* That's one terrific show. =] My grandma also had this book written with recipes in it. A bit unclear but, it's the thought that counts. I love her =]. Wow, she does think of me.

And also oh, thanks to T! Don't think this would be read anyway. But thanks! It made my day better. Much better.

See ya... *waves*
*teleportation in progress*
*..toot..toot..*
*swoosh* --

2004-05-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

It's been a great experience at the Esplanade. Never will I be able to perform there again. A bit about what happened over the past few days.

We had been in the Orchestra pit where no people would have noticed. We had those long rehearsals whereby we play only for a little while and the rest of the time we were there doing our own stuff. Free food were provided but they were below what I would call acceptable. Bear in mind, it's free and there were 100+ performers. What do you expect?
Wednesday ~ Lovely Bones, fried rice with fried chicken
Thursday ~ 报章报导, Bee Hoon with vegetables and meat
Friday ~ Nothing, Buns and chicken drumette + rice with veggies and chicken and fish cake
Saturday ~ Tammy's Get Backers comic + Chicken Burger (just the chicken and the burger, nothing else).

I was salivating when I saw Duckie, Yellowiee and Mrs Tan having proper food today. They had sushi, about 20 or so and rice and vegetables which looked appetizing. *sobx* We were being mistreated!

I got quite sick of all the rehearsals, even managed to memorise some parts of the scripts by heart. I got to say the whole play was above average, considering that we were only students, except 王老师. I can't comment too much, just that on Friday's performance, we weren't as great. The whole Esplanade performers, not just CO. Saturday's performance was better but that's just because we weren't as nervous and there wasn't the Minister in the house. Friday's audience was definitely more 'civilized' and encouraging. They knew when to clap, when to shut up and everything and someone even shouted "Encore" even though it was a dubious request. Saturday's were rude! Totally =X Weird thing is that the audience laughed at parts which weren't the least funny and didn't when they were expected to. I had slept my half an hour on Saturday. Wasn't being respectful but hey, the audience started that first.

At times in the pit, I wished that I was one of many audience, and not a performer - sitting comfortably with my friends and not the least bothered about making mistakes and everything and just enjoy the stories and everything.

Yesterday and today were the only two days so far, this year, that I sang the school song; actually, more of mouthing the words.

I saw Abelyn and Pinyan too, and I realized that I missed the 'olden days' when they were still in CO, having them cover me up and I would just 滥竽充数 and everything? When would I see them anyway? Spotted Uen Chun on Friday but we didn't get to talk. Only waved. She had a stead I think. Still thought that she made a better pair with 強強 [note: not his real name]. And to think that today's the last time that I'll be playing in CO. It's almost tragic =X. I'm already beginning to miss the practices I used to dread. Had thoughts about going back for at least, 小组 and try to play the SYF songs. New committee will be formed on the 29th, I think. That's the voting day, actually. Hopefully, Tiffy can clinch one of the top positions. She'll be a great leader. Have to plan for lunch outings and stuff. After mid-year maybe. I'll do just that.

Sister is out at camp. Brother's coming on Monday. Changes. Changes...

Have to start worrying about Mid year already eh?

Not happy, not unhappy. It's just me. Just me --

2004-05-07T00:34:00.000+08:00

It's kind of weird that students were demanding for the permission to skip lessons on Thursday, yesterday, when slacking was what everybody did.

What's more nonsensical is that even teachers failed to turn up. Most of them.

Just one comment on ZH... Erm I don't think he reads this but he may, which is also good:
You will be a better person/friend to be with if you just stop complaining and whining. As in teachers didn't come, you complain. Mrs Indra came, you complain. And the thing is you complain that loudly. What do you want actually? Just accept things as it is if it's beyond your control.

I was craziie and mad today, when I was supposed to be feeling sad or stuff like that. Without teachers in class, I was bored and WM implied, commented then complained that I was disturbing her SS revison so I got all talkative with other people. BH had this rubber band on his hand and he kept hitting me with it which made me all paranoid once I see his hand near me.To think that I gave him sweets -.-". So I was sitting on the floor, CY's table then the teacher's table and crapped and talked and giggled and laughed till Indra's lesson. Noticed another thing about myself. I do change my opinion on somebody fast. That fast.

Esplanade was again slacking time but this time, we weren't allowed to read or do homework [full rehearsal]. I don't think a lot will be disappointed. Managed a half an hour sleep, nevertheless. It's lots of fun. Brought chilli sauce and pepper to there. I had expected the food to be equally awful and truly enough, it was, which makes me all hungry now, finishing cereals again. We are in the Orchestra Pit where nobody can see us except those who are sitting at the top. There were synchronization problems, us with the cast and the choir but overall quite okay. Bad stuff - we never get to watch the full performance live in the Esplanade itself. Minister is coming too =/

Thanks to DL. I got home quite early for the past two days. Should tell her to have more self-confidence. She was telling me it was okay when she thought I was embarrassed for dropping my handphone?! I wasn't the least bit embarrassed really. Saw the caring side of her when she was with ZL. ZL had been feeling quite unwell, I suppose.

HMM ==> sucky teacher. Too big-mouthed. Worse than Duckie.

*Prays for the best tomorrow* --

2004-05-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

Have no single idea what to write about just that from tomorrow on, Wednesday that is, till it's Saturday, I would be sooo busy that I don't even know what I'm doing.

For the past few days, GB was against me. I kept getting the errors and I can't play! *sobx*

Just a bit about today... We were supposed to get our blazers for the rehearsals on Wed and Thurs and so we had to try one that fits today. Then the people in charge were there, trying to help us members find the right one but they asked the people in like 2 at a time? I stood there waiting for about 30 minutes before I got in. By that time, at least they were allowing about 5 people in at a go. It was supposed to be a more efficient procedure but obviously it was the opposite. Poor WM waited at the concourse the whole time. She even helped me renew my book and return the other, packed my bag, brought it down to the concourse and waited for me.

Got this feeling of not going online for like... forever but that can't be done. Good thing I have the rehearsals for the next few days.

My prediction for the coming mid year:
1 A1
1 A2
2 B3
1 B4
2 C5
2 C6
Something like that perhaps. And I won't care at all.

Better sleep soon. I might as well give up on the A-maths test tomorrow.

Indifferent --

2004-05-01T21:40:00.000+08:00

I just found myself in here. Great day today. Shan't elaborate on that. It would be a bore to read the whole stuff but I enjoyed every minute of it.

It's funny how friends click. It's just like locks and keys. Only certain specific keys fit and it's that hard to find one. Ame is beyond a friend. She's like a sister to me. She was so so sweet! We didn't had time to hang out together since like the March holidays and even though we were 'separated' for that long, she did think of me. She bought me something that I had been wanting. Suddenly felt all bad about not getting her birthday present soon; I had wanted it to be special.

We have this bond. Somehow we are that comfortable with each other. Somehow she understands me more than I understand myself at times. We didn't talk a lot today but being around her already makes me happy. I told her that and she said, "Do you think we are lesbians?" God I would love to think that but I'm only attracted to guys. Did I just made her feel disgruntled? Ah well, she'll forget it soon. As they say, "To err is human, to forgive divine." [By the way it wasn't Jesus nor Shakespeares who said that. It was Alexander Pope]

I have this feeling that she envies me at times but I think she also knows that I'm jealous of her almost all the time. I'm this person. A girl from mixed school. A girl having too much freedom. A girl who heck cares a lot. She's this person. A leader. A motivator. A dependable one. She got showered with bags and more bags of presents during her birthday [none of which includes mine - I went out with her and treated her a meal I think]. She got this heart thing and that star thing and this necklace thing and that earring thing and this keychain thing and that holder thing and this.... and that... you wouldn't believe how much stuff she got. And I suddenly have this thinking of going her house after the June holidays, almost everyday, to study, but I think that won't work out.

She's one of the few people whom I can sit with in the bus, making ourselves comfortable on the seats and just stare into empty spaces and still enjoy the moments. Am I weird or weird? Anyway, I thank everybody for her presence, for her in my life and for her being able to be my friend. Sent her home and was wishing I could meet her tomorrow which is so impossible.

I had wanted to ask my sister why I wasn't interested in any guy now and whether she was. Those words had formed in my mind and had travelled to the end of my lips for minutes but I wasn't able to let the words out. She had this rashes and bumps everywhere and was scratching a lot and was complaining about it, that's why. It reminded me of Janette, one of my dogs. She was with this guy previously and I got pretty impressed by the way she socialised. She's good. Am thinking... Does she have a boyfriend? At all? She should get one!!! Because of the reds on her body, we got to go home by taxi =]

Realized that actually, my sis is a good confider too. Although she doesn't show that she's at all interested to what I had to say.

I'm trying to make a wish list. That would put goals in front of me and hopefully help me achieve them.

Being dreamy and more dreamy --

2004-04-30T05:20:00.000+08:00

I was okay. Perfectly okay. But somehow, people don't believe me. Thanks for the many concerns, but I'm just okay.

It started with this note from me to WM in the morning, "I'll be quiet today. Bear with me a little." She didn't pursue that matter. She didn't ask for an explanation, a reason. She let it rest there. Somehow she understands. I was glad.

Then came JM with the "你失恋啊？" I would laugh at that, but I was just not in the ha-ha mood.

Then later, HM [she's nice, even sent me a sms], BH, ZH and I can't remember who else but I think there were more, asked whether I was alright. I am. I am. I am.

And later K** who wanted to talk to me, well, I had no choice but to break that "I am not talking to her ever." promise I had with myself. It's just an exception so yeah, I'll not be talking to her if I had to. You see, she chose me and a few others to read the 24th 课文 which I did not bother to read aloud even when I was already out. I mean, it's like, I don't like reading CL so why did she choose me in the first place. Bahhx. She just make me sicker. Then she sounded sincere and solicitous and everything but it just made her sound hypocritical. She asked what happened to me, then I said nothing. Then she said if you got anything you want to tell me, just come to me. I'll be willing to help and lend a listening ear. Thank you very much, but that's about the last thing I on my mind. Maybe I'll commit suicide first before approaching her. She asked about my family, I answered as shortly as I can. She asked about my best friend in class, everybody knows who I would say. Then the bell pretty much saved me.

Maybe I laugh too much on the other days. Maybe that's why. I just need a rest that's all.

I got a little bit better after Physics Practical. I was by my own and savoured the isolated 60 minutes. I wasn't even thinking of anything.

Then came the Eng tutorial. It was a hilarious session, especially by LEK. Soon was trying to crack jokes but LEK was a natural. I think he teaches for the joys of teaching. He loves his job.

Went to Parkway on my own after that. Bought the bedding for the Roborovski.

Cute? Cute? I got four of them and one of them bites and it bites hard.

I was so tired I didn't walk home. Forgot it was the peak hour and everything. Extra dollar. Geex... At least the driver took 10 cents left. Or maybe he was just lazy but taxi drivers are nice. I'll elaborate on that next time.

I stuffed myself with food. Let's see, it was... I can't remember much. At least not as bad as finishing half the Nutella again. Geex. My sister was sure pissed. It was a new jar. Maybe that contributes to the way I was behaving. And I blamed it on stress, which may be partly true, but I believe it's more of an excuse. She talked to me about it and said that I was willing myself to be stressed, not that I really am. Well, I don't even know that. How does she figure that out?

Got so sleepy after all the food that I slept at 8.30. Woke up at 9.30, tried talking to some people on MSN but there wasn't an immediate response. Climbed back up to bed, thought I would just get myself a brief perhaps, 5-minute snooze, but my eyes didn't open till it was 4. My sister was using the computer. Then she lets me have it at 4.30.

Just realised I've eaten a lot from just now and while typing all these stuff. Finished a yoplait, green tea tofu, little bear biscuit [milk], Lindt Cointreau [6 of them =\], some honey roasted macadamias and almonds *grins* and yeah that's about it. Oh and mocha! I was amidst of all the eating when my sister blurted, "I think I'm going to be fat again." I stunned momentarily. "How come?" She pointed out that her weight has been increasing again, which reminded me. I've not taken my weight for quite some time. Let's just say I'm afraid of the numbers yeah. Who knows I've gained.

*Run to the scale*
*Weigh*
*Anxious*
*Rub eyes*
*Checks again*
*Run back*
Phew... It's still the same. Kind of... astonishing.

Ah well... I felt much better than today. Going to brace the day with smiles and more smiles. I may get crazy again... =]

=] No sorries, no thankies --

2004-04-28T21:28:00.000+08:00

_{...............................................................................}

I have never been happier.

I have never been sadder.

I have never been more satisfied.

I have never been more disappointed.

I have never been this composed.

I have never been this distraught.

I have never been so adjoined.

I have never been so detached.

How I wish I could be more feeling.

How I wish I could just blend in.

How I wish I could be him.

How I wish I could just disappear.

How I wish the world is square.

How I wish the world to be more unfair.

How I wish the world consists of no evil.

How I wish the world gets rid of me.

Please do disregard me.

Please do neglect me.

Please do ignore me.

Please do detest me.

^{...............................................................................}

=] I'm thankful for that --

2004-04-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

Am I sick or am I sick.

Cramp in the left leg, overly-strained eyes, neck aches [if there is such a term], heavy body, headaches...

Speaking of headaches, do you know what she did? She just talked during lessons and it kind of started all my headaches. As she continued, it got worse and worse. I was alright before her lesson mind you and towards the end of her period, I felt better. I felt well. Good thing I'll not have to undergo the same torture tomorrow. I love Tuesdays.

Nothing left for me --

2004-04-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Different ways of looking at stuff never fail to surface when I'm walking home alone from school. It's a short but always meaningful walk when I do really think. Really think. It's when I'm most tranquil, it's when I'm most reflective. Just today, I pictured myself a year later. Maybe one of the things I miss most in CCHM will be people from my section. We do have internal conflicts. I admit I was being shallow in being hypercritical, first to HY then to LP. Glad that I have looked far beyond.

First I thought HY was a self-centered person who sees herself above the rest, acting more like a senior and I found her bossy at times. But you see, she was just being matured, and I'm the childish one. She takes iniative to practise, even when not asked to, and being that keen to learn is a point that I have to stress about her. She helped me with my instrument today. She's good.

Then comes LP. I did wrote this in my diary before: LP wasn't meant to be the leader, I was. It's only because of the new committee that she became the sectional leader. She's closer to them than I was and me having a bad attitude in CO, being late and everything? Inititally, that's what I thought. But I see her in a different light. I will have to say that it's true she doesn't make a very good leader but at least she's the most befitting of us all. She's responsible for one, and shows concern for the whole section. A friend you wouldn't want to miss making.

TL! Well, that girl does cheer me up at all the appropriate times. She's does not have the "I'm bigger than you" attitude, even thought by right, she should have. It's already fun just listening to her talk with TL. Another TL, that is. A girl with all the right mindset and great personality.

PW... Somehow we got along quite close. The past two days, I had been crappily teaching her E-Geog for the test she's going to have on Wed. We did have a lot of laughter and lameness. She's smart. She's diligent. She's a junior I'll always be proud to have.

SJ... Quite disappointed in her but nevertheless, and outgoing and bubbly girl. Just that she slacks. Like me. To think of it, she does resemble another me. She's a foreigner, she's that type of happy-go-lucky and only cares about having fun. If she puts in more effort, she'll do good.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We had the full rehearsal today. Think it's the second time but since I didn't go the last Sunday, I got quite amazed by the performance. XY and WF are praiseworthy. They had at least some 5000 words to memorise [just a rough estimation] and they never miss a single one. It was a tough day, the long hours and everything but at least, I'm beginning to see the product. A more than successful performance, it shall be. At least the school is beginning to care about us, the CO people. On Saturday, we were given this little kues and they are of quite a standard. Today, curry chicken was offered, [I didn't get any bite and it's chicken anyway, so never mind] and PW said it was okay [she boasted that her mom's one taste better]. Two more weeks and all will be over.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Is it time to forget? Is it time to move on? Is it time to let go?
I don't know! =

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MSN nicks... Are those even true? But I don't feel a thing. I guess everything is fine. Just fine. Jealousy? Maybe a tiny bit. But I'm more unfeeling.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Had that response to do for K**. How I wish I could tell her straight in her face that I don't have any comments, that I don't care about other people, and that I don't bother telling people about my way of living life, especially to her. S**. There's 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2.

Hrmmm... I'm sleepy already. Dead meat for sure.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Quite confused --

2004-04-24T10:11:00.000+08:00

So I'm here, but I got nothing much to type about. Just let me crap.

Yesterday is the 23rd of April. Today is the 24th of April. Tomorrow is the 25th of April. Err...

I was let off early by my teacher for CO. Think she kind of like me, I don't know why. Just a feeling but sometimes you can see from her actions too. For example, instead of asking the section leader about stuff, she asked me. She doesn't scold me for playing bad too!!! Heex, I like her a lot. She's the motherly type. And she doesn't favour students based on their skills, which is in this case good, because apparently, I'm not the best there. HY is. Erm... I'm going to defend myself a bit here. HY spends her free time practising. Me, I don't practise at home at all, since maybe last November. Maybe I should give her something on Teacher's day... Have to start looking around...

So, so I reach home then bathe then ate rice then played gunbound only till about... 8 something. Sister interrupted me and I had to let her. I do feel guilty about spending all my free time at the computer. Now, I'm really neglecting my studies. Tell me, how? How? How?

Fell asleep while reading from 9 to 2.40 or so when I still see my sister just some 30 cm from the monitor. Then continued till 6.45. CO starts at 7.30 but I didn't leave my house till then. Was online for about half an hour. Didn't bother waking up my maid either. I wore an un-ironed skirt to school.

Had the practice with choir for only half an hour. Was supposed to have this remedial with Quack Quack but I don't even think Ducks know how to speak English. What's the use? And so, I came home, but nobody's online!!! =[ *sobx* There are bodies but no somebodies. *checks contacts*

My notion of the world and human beings, especially emotions that occur within each individual, are queer. I don't know why but it seems that teenagers don't love or like. They only think that they do, because the people surrounding them think that they do too. Teenagers are so desperate for love, so desperate to be wanted, so desperate for wanting to be accepted as the 'in' group, so desperate for relationships, so desperate to want to be admired at. This is generalisation so maybe, you are not one of them. Mark my words: in a few years time, you would think that it's all childish likings. You would laugh at them. You would think that you are silly. There are exceptional cases, I think.

*Looks at msn contacts again* Still no sight of somebodies! T.T

At least I'm chatting to one. One body.

Crappish, hungry --

2004-04-22T21:51:00.000+08:00

Yeah... yeah...

Prediction for 2B - B4 or C5. What to do. It's her lesson. It's her coming in into the class. It's her giving out the paper. It's her collecting. It's her marking. 1 hour browsing through and not making use of the last minutes I have to revise, it's no wonder. It's no big deal. I deserve it, yeah. Was reading the Belle Prater's Boy while WM was taking last glimpses of the CL words. To think that I had ever prayed of scoring higher than her for any one of the HCL test. I must be dreaming. Yeah, I'm very dreamy.

Kind of read the book through all the lessons except Physics. We had practical.

Finally it rained, after soooooooooooooooooo many days!!! It was during Lim's lesson. I reveled in the hankered for rain scene, at the same time taking in the almost-forgotten rain smell, as well as letting the breeze soothe antsy feeling inside me...

Then came the 5 items which I played hooky from. Have to admit part of the reason is because I don't want to and that I'm just lazy. But there was some problem with my knee cap. Since the run. Don't know what's wrong but it's just that. Believe more than half of the sec 4s are having muscle aches too. It's bad. So so Sequiera permitted me not to undergo all the sufferings but he told me to see him again tomorrow. Like I would be okay by then... But then again, I might.

Hoping that every second will be the dark, endless night.
Only then that I can close my eyes, knowing that you are by my side;
Perpetually... Incessantly... Everlastingly... Eternally...

Don't make me lose my faith.

What's happening to me, there I was some 3 hours ago, wondering how people can feel so... depressed... when the world is such a lovely place to live in... but now I'm feeling so. Take in deep breaths, look far, drink water...

Being funny, as in farnie, not funny --

2004-04-21T16:19:00.000+08:00

Nothing very interesting. Before recess we had the Biology practical with broad beans, made me crave for them. After break, I had a difficult time forcing my eyes wide open during Physics. [must be the cake, but it was coffee, doesn't make sense] After that I was reading my storybook for 2 hours. Then bell rings, end of lessons, time to move my butt out of school.

But before that...

Nice... Just nice...

Quack Quack shouted at WM, Caryn and me. In front of quite a lot of people. Level three staff room.

Erm I shan't judge him from the incident. You guys make your own opinions about him.

WM and I were supposed to get Chemistry notes for next week's test and he just happened to be there. He was at the door you see and I think he was reprimanding some students before. Then, the door was ajar so we just went in. Well, I felt weird about going in straight but the two girls was ahead so I just followed. Suddenly he was like, "You three young ladies, do you think this is a shopping center? Get out now!" Okay, fine fine, then we headed towards the door and he erupted again, "Don't you all know how to answer? [at this point, we three still ignored him] Stupid idiots! [either that or stupid girls] Get out now!" I kind of brushed past him. Used my bag to hit him a little. Felt better. By the way, he was treating us like a dog eh? And so we just went home, without having the notes.

Intended to write a complaint letter but remembered he's not somebody worth spending my energy and time on.

I won't respect anybody who doesn't respect me.

Worn out --

2004-04-21T00:47:00.002+08:00

Oh yeah, I was gonna complain about Swensens thing... The service was bad. Okay, there's the water and taking of the menus but that was all. No recommendations, no nothing and I think a dollar plus service charge? That's why I never bothered to leave tips. I should just forget about it.
_{Here are what we ordered:

The eating of cherry I mentioned:

Sis' Birthday Cake -- Mango Tango, coincidentially, from Swensens

and her Bday Bun:

This was the PM shirt [hey! that's PMS! =X] I got for myself... I don't usually choose

^{white but... For some reasons... I just did:}

Lastly, after PFT, HM took this pic [she kept saying I looked cute, err... not true]:}

Time again for me to sleep. Tata --

2004-04-20T19:54:00.000+08:00

Visited a few blogs before I had decided to start on mine.

First thing first... You know what to expect to get for a test you didn't study for. Probably I'll be one of the lowest in class again... I'll be in Biology remedial forever. Just great. I won't turn up for them, nevertheless.

Heyx... It's Tuesday!!! Can miss seeing someone. =]

Enjoyed the HDB thing at Toa Payoh quite okay. The air-con was good. So so good. WM and I are the total maniacs of the class, it seems. There was the break at around 2-2.15. Guess where we went. Swensens. She just suggested it and I'm like, "Okay, why not? You eating ice cream ah... I can't eat lehx... Never mind I see what I can find there." Then we just stepped in, had nice, cornered seats and she ordered this... erm Golden Rush if I'm not wrong and I had my clam chowder. Had to admit it was a bit costly but worth it -- both of us felt full. Satiated. Hrmmx... Then we took a lot of pictures there even had one showing me eating cherry. Try to upload the picx later.

Seems like everybody is disappointed about their 2.4. Erm don't say other people... even me myself am terribly, horribly, awfully pissed by the timing. Not that they timed wrongly or anything but I'm just slow. Slow. SloW SLOw. SLow. SLOw. SLOW. sLow. sLOw. sLOW. sloW. slOW! --> This reminds me of permutations. 2x3!=12. Correct lohx... In fact, they stopped the stopwatch 2 seconds early which left me more... depressed. I mean I couldn't even beat last year's timing and of course failed to reach my target. Why didn't I bother training for it? Well well, no use regretting it now, really, and so be it. I'm not going to re-run. Uhh... *sick* and we still had CO after that... I mean what the... I was the one who left the latest and stayed there for only half an hour? Didn't even get to play one time. Took all the minutes in the world while tuning. 故意的　of course. Then Mr. Quek wanted to give us all Maths Remedial on Saturday. Please... He must be dreaming. I'm not going to wake up that early if I could just to see his face. Kind of bad to say this but he seems to be acting concern about us. Well if he was true, why don't he let us off on Sunday instead. It's more like wasting our time there. Really. Got SJ's keychain with me. I was playing with it when she was in the toilet, without her permission. Wait, isn't that stealing? Think she didn't notice.

Hrmm... Anyways. Sandwich is not very nice after all. The fillings are really so 可怜.

Time to take a nap --

2004-04-20T06:01:00.000+08:00

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hrmm...

Am supposed to be here studying for Biology which will be held some 4-5 hours later but you know me [if you don't, too bad]... I ended up making breakfast for myself, walking here and there... and walk some more and walk some more and even took this pictures.

Well it's my sister's birthday!!! Wow... She's like what... 19 this year? So old! Bought her something yesterday from Bugis, all alone... I mean it's like... ALONE! Nah, actually it was a nice shopping day for me. I think I spent more on myself than on her. Her presents are shown below. I even bought egg tart, tiramisu and birthday bun for her. Aren't I such a good lil sis? I'll update later again, if I still have the energy after PFT [2.4--which I'm not so looking forward to. Got a feeling I'll fail] and maybe... CO -.-

Right here are her presents:

Shopping goodies from PureMilk:

The stuff I got from 77th street:

Broke --

2004-04-14T19:58:00.000+08:00

Been quite long since I updated and yet I've been around asking people to.

Let's see...

Sunday ==> Baked Carrot Cake, I think it's so superb but... Obviously people don't like it because it's carrot and... I guess the texture is a bit... Weird... And GB-ed the whole day.

Monday ==> Oh yeah there was the encore of the talentime too but it's kind of not spirited. PH's performance gotta be the best. He was singing with his heart -- that's what I thought. Never knew he could sing. I GB-ed again. Again. Ignored Kee in class. Have no idea what she was teaching or talking about. If anybody had noticed, other than WM, I had been back-facing her and shutting my ears tight. Very tight. Had intended to bake Chocolate Chip Chocolate Muffin but... Obviously it turned out peculiarly cakey. Erm expected it to be odd. Tried dipping it in chocolate too. I wonder, why do I enjoy that so much.

Tuesday ==> Reached school at 7.05 [miracle]. People who I gave the muffin/cake to, were appreciative, except... PIGTAIL! You pig... I curse you that you'll be slaughtered by the Os. =X GB-ed again. Slept quite a bit. Bad news about CO. I was there for the full 3 ½ hours and we only practised for... probably half an hour. KX wasn't playing too well too. Can I comment something about the whole CCA? I mean don't they think that it's a chore to wake up early on Saturdays and be on time for other practices on other days when all you do is feel tortured throughout. Take other CCAs for example, the members are willing to be present and they feel that it's a lot of fun to go for CCAs and that they are enjoying every moment of it. Don't the committees ever think of that? Suckx really. I'm just stating facts. Bad day, bad day. Memory loss. Gee didn't know what happened. Probably one of the few good stuff that happened was... we didn't have CL!!! Was so grateful for Tuesdays.

Today ==> Reached school at 7.00 [another miracle!] Pigtail, Goldfish and Spring Swallow [?!?!] came to my house. Kind of fooled around playing with food. Chocolate cake turned out great. People look forward to it! It's so so so chocolatey and by the majority demands, it's not sweet. Well probably except the cream cheese icing. The three of them were so nice. Helped me with a lot of stuff, saved me lots of trouble and even experimented making potatoes too! And GB-ed again.

I'm so so so so so so so addicted to it. *Bleahx*

Pardon me for being so... short and... seeming as if I got nothing better to write. I just don't have the right mood. Suddenly I miss him and him and him...

Geeez --

2004-04-10T12:14:00.000+08:00

I stayed up till pretty late on Thursday and felt much better after chatting and trying to get my mind off things. Thanks by the way...

Time heals all wounds. That's something factual.

Anyway, I don't know why, but I guess I'm crazy. I went out yesterday with some certain people. I wasn't doing anything, wasn't even in my usual self of crapping; and yet for some reason or another, I don't feel bored at all. Maybe, I'm in the listening mood. You talk, I shut up, I listen, you make me laugh kind of thing. It was bowling at Marina Square at first and then Suntec's Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I was quite extra, like a stranger among a group of good friends, but I kind of heck-care. That's the way I am. As long as I 'shuang', it doesn't really matter what's happening around me. I'm the kind of girl that won't torment myself so I'll just leave if I'm unhappy or something. Had 'submarines' for dinner. I mean subway. Gotta say their food are nice! Mustard and olives and the meat and everything, the combinations are just perfect, but it seems that not a lot people actually appreciates these foods. Then spent more than half an hour at Tower Records, thanks to *some people* [jk], and had my sis wait for me for a long long time. That quite ended my day.

CO... What can I say... I hate it, I just do. It's so repititive and I think I failed the audition although they never really see it. Screwed up a few parts because I'm just not used to having some 4,5 pairs of eyes staring at me while playing. Maybe that's just an excuse but truly saying, there's only a part that I'm uncertain of. Only one. But I'm not going to practise just because of that. If they want to kick me out of the group for the Esplanade performance, so be it. I just don't like striving hard because that's just not their capabilities. It's just hard work. Like... That girl... Hope she does not ever happen to find this blog or I'll have her BF killing me. They lasted about a year plus already... Sweet... I'm not envious though. HM cancelled today's study because she's caught up with something. Next week then...

Thinking about a love long lost... Waiting... Waiting...
^-o-
How long has it been?
A lot of time has passed by
Why am i hurting so?
Why are you hurting?
By chance, has something happened?
Why aren't you speaking?

It's now.. I'm in front you you..
I need to tell you my mind... The long wait..
Waiting for you.. isn't it dumb?

It's always been like so..
It's always had to be like this
I love you for you
I still thank you
Why aren't you holding onto me?
Why aren't you asking anything?
Do you think i can do well without you?

I know..
The last thing i could ever do for you is separation
Please forgive my love that i've realize is not enough
I love you..
I still thank you
I love you..
I wanted to tell you this
_-o-

It's me and my oreos + Alpia Fruities now [OMG! I finished the whole roll and the whole packet!] --

2004-04-08T20:30:00.000+08:00

What is ever fair? What is? You being born filthy rich but not being able to live a plain simple ordinary life? Or you having the freedom to do anything, to be able to be anyone you want to be, to go wherever you want, but without wealth? Or understanding the meaning of life, savouring each happiness that comes by and being satisfied with anything you want, but being handicapped? Or receiving all the love one can possibly get, but without having a single time for yourself? No one's life is ever immaculate, is ever unmarred. There will always be 'but-s' hanging around and they will never seem to disappear.

So what's wrong with me?

Easy. Everything.

That probably is what others will say to given that question.

I have no idea what happened today but I just broke down in class. Nobody seems to notice though but... WM sure did. Winnie and Caiyun must have sensed it too but it got quite okay after that. Thought about a few stuff that I would do.
1. Tear my test paper.
2. Fail the Physics test by not attempting any question.
3. Fail the Chinese test next week by not attempting any question.
4. Ask for a class transfer.
5. Tell Kee what's wrong in her face.
6. Stop talking to Kee ever.
7. Leaving school right at that moment.
8. Stop respecting any teacher.
9. Be a problem kid from then on.
10. Accept fate.

During English lesson whereby we were supposed to refashion some fairy tale stories, I contemplated and weigh the consequences of each and finally came to a conclusion. I'll go with number 6 and 10. It has nothing to do with any tests and class transfer will mean that I'm weak. For a moment, I did think that she thought she was a good teacher so I won't wake her up by doing 5. 7 is quite silly; I might have a detention class, mind you. 8 and 9... Hrmmm... Maybe I'll consider that if I can no longer put up with everything that's going on. I felt dejected, I was bummed out, or should I say, feel and am.

What does God expects me to do anyway? Is this what they call an ordeal to test our faith, our character, our endurance, our patience, our beliefs, our capabilities, our determination, our... our... Even if it's true, what's the point in it? Do you get prizes in the end? "You'll gain experience which would help you in your life hereafter", they would say, but hey, do you mean I'll die tomorrow if I don't face them all? Even so, they'll just evanesce ultimately, right? Who dares to contravene this fact? Unless of course, life after death do exist; that doesn't make sense either, if you're dead, you're dead, how can you live then?

I know I couldn't make myself desirable while I find others loathsome. Maybe that's how she sees me.

I can't comprehend why I'm feeling this way either. It's as if she's living, just to be out there to defy me, or more precisely to ignore me right in front of my face. That's one thing I despise. Being ignored when I would rather not. To belittled; to be biased against - another two.

It's agonizing as I'm typing all these out, but that's my only solution to brush off all these shit once and for all.

I feel sorry for myself every sad entries I make, but that's how my life is...

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know what to expect anymore. I don't know what to remember anymore.

Thanks to the people that made me feel better by knowing and understanding and not talking about them. Thank you.

Tearing --

2004-04-06T01:19:00.000+08:00

Forgot to mention this, but to whoever it was I thank you. I thank you for bringing a true smile to my face on my Monday blues and I thank you for being sweet. I thank you for being sincere and I thank you for trying to be helpful. I thank you for being real. I thank you for providing warmth to my heart.

What actually happened was, I was carrying bags and more bags of food and also the shoes from Cold Storage, my feet taking me towards home. So there's this, I think it was a JC girl, having short hair, wearing specs, sweet looking and full of confidence and she just approached me and said, "Excuse me, where do you live? Do you need help?"

I told her I was okay and that I could manage even though my biceps and triceps was aching badly and there's such a strong and apparent burning sensation. I thanked her and she just made her way to Parkway Mansion.

Throughout the rest of the journey, I was thinking about her, about how she, so sweet, innocent and loving girl would have a great guy to be with in the future. I was gratified to know that in this bleak and glacial world, there are still the existence of such ardent souls.

I thank you.

Full of gratitude --

2004-04-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

I'm getting crazy. HM agreed to the suggestion of studying together every Saturday after our CCAs and for the first session, we went to Bugis. Of course there's nothing wrong with that but I think we spent more time eating and doing out own homework rather than actually reading from the textbook and practicising on questions. We were at Mos and probably stayed there for about 2 hours + and went to near the cinema to continue. We only managed to finish 2 chapters of mcq from the TYS, which I must say is quite an achievement. You have to think it this way - if I had not meet up with her, I'll spend the whole afternoon watching TV, eating and playing, in another words pigging *snort snort* and I manage to finish two chapters of Physics out of 4 for the upcoming test. That's good! Did some food shopping, and home. Played GB, then everybody got bu shuang because of some reason or another so I got no one to play with and so I stopped and kind of messaging people till I sleep.

I did wake up again at about... 7? About 6 hours of sleep and kind of bad. Woke up somebody too *evil grinx* - I was feeling bored... Made a Chocolate Cake for the day and Sunday passed by fast. Too fast. The cake is a test cake for WM's birthday cake. Have to make sure it's puurrfect and everything. Sis said it wasn't nice but I find it okay... Except... A bit too soft and very sticky... I didn't slept before it was 2.30 a.m. Was doing homework and slept only for a pitiful 3 hours. Had CM call my handphone to make sure I do wake up. I just realised he's nice to talk to.

School was a bit of disaster - I didn't exactly know what happened but when I saw Kee I totally bu shuang her. She's like biased towards WM. I kind of jealous, I admit it, I mean, I'm a good girl too and yet she see me as a girl who is not worth noticing. Right. My Chinese is not so good, she's always asking students to not only see the outer appearance but the inner beauty, yet what she's doing is the total opposite. [I don't mean that I got inner beauty, I just mean that I take pride in my work.] Anyway, WM's file had this what erm... "态度认真，好！" and she took WM's paper and we both agreed that Kee was there to pacify her and everything. I was cursing her partly because I was in a foul mood brought about by the lack of sleep. MM shouted because of don't know what reasons. WM said he was cool. Had the Biology thing today but I doubt that it was of any help. Went to Parkway with MM and I bought my shoes! Had lunch/early dinner at KFC and he really can eat loh... 3 pieces chicken, 1 potato wedges, 2 whipped potato, small bun + drinks but I still finish later than him. Expected. He didn't complain which was good. Didn't buy Jolin's CD because one part was torn - him I mean. Then saw 31 pass by so he accompanied me to the bus stop before and another 31 passed. LOL... Felt sorry for him... Kind of waited for the bus to come before I bought more food. And now... I'm so dammmmm tired and hungry. Really lack energy.

Oh yeah... Most of the people liked the Chocolate Cake. Don't know it was just to make me happy or whether it's really nice. Except Gabriel. And he said Lindt was ordinary. He got one tongue with weird taste buds. Maybe they are arranged the wrong way.

My soul says, "I see my own body."
My body says, "I see my own soul."
Sleepy, just sleepy --

2004-04-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

Ahh well... April Fool's Day. Nothing much though just that I'm feeling too sleepy for this meant-for-fooling-around day.

Been having stomach muscle ache for the past two days and I'm still having it now.

Got back English paper today. 27/50. At least I passed. All because of the summary section and some careless mistakes for the comprehension questions. Suckaaaa!!!!!!!! But I had a desire to do more comprehensions now, for no particular reasons. Gonna look for assessment books soon, that is, if I ever made my way to bookstores.

And God knows what happens to my tripod account. They just deleted the whole of my files. I didn't even violate any of their terms of service thing. -.-" Maybe they just detest me.

Have mo xie and a-maths test and homework and I've not touched them. Leaving them for tomorrow morning.

Yearning to be held by loving arms, to be loved --

2004-03-31T14:59:00.000+08:00

I almost broke a mirror this morning. What is going on?

Chemistry test was sucky too...

Feel sick. Physically, mentally, psychologically, socially, whatever-ly, etc-ly...

==

2004-03-31T05:12:00.000+08:00

Die die die... I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!

The alarm clock rang and because I was sleeping on my brother's bed, I had to go all the way down... His bed is somewhat a double-decker bed but there's only one bunk you see, the top one. And so there's this shelf at the side where he puts all his precious photos in different photo frames, and quite expensive ones I think and... I bet you guessed it already. Yeah... One was fragmentized by the villain -- ME... AHHHHH!!! I would chop off my leg if I hadn't had to walk for the rest of my life... I'll try to repair it when I get home later... Hope it would look okay then I can keep mum about it. *cross fingers* Why am I such a blunderbuss?! Maybe I was half-awake but the shattering really woke me up... It went something like , "Piang!" A very short one but it lingered around my ears for about 2 minutes.

And that... was not the only thing I wrecked this week and it's just the third day of the week!

Well... Back to studying for Chemistry now... I didn't know that there was only one single page for the Fuels part. Yay... Hopefully I'll not get distracted by any ways and finish on time...

不知所措 --

2004-03-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

Heex... Yesterday I slept for 12 hours and luckily the Biology test was postponed to Mid-yr. Guess I was right about not studying and... Mdm Arfah didn't even remember about the mind map for the SS. I did half by the time she came.

Let me see... There's nothing much today, except for CO; was at least tolerable today. WL wanted to have lunch with me. That's the third time. I can't... And I didn't want to. I mean... I got nothing to say to WL at all. But I was trying to be polite by coming up with some lame excuses...

Had Japanese noodles again, with some frozen food stuff and ice-cream! =]

Am looking for a song from waterboys but I had no idea what it is... Shall search, and search and search...

Feeling hungry again --

2004-03-29T16:29:00.000+08:00

I think from now on, I'll be doing short entries... School and stuff and playing, and going out... I can't possibly manage THAT much...

Right... On Saturday I felt like going out when it was like... 5.40p.m. while I was playing GB, so I got ready and was almost stepping out of the house when J.T. evil-ly asked, "Are you going out alone?" Well I didn't mind that much but when he questioned that I was like thinking and thinking and thinking and suddenly I had the desire for someone to just accompany me and I froze for a moment thinking who might be able to go out at like... 6.30+ till late night... So I was thinking... Hmmmx... No one, no one, no one... J.T. might be the only option actually... I mean, he does hang out till late night but he said he couldn't because of erm... Ez-link thing? Think it's because he's lazy and he was asking me to change my mind and continue playing GB instead... So I was kind of stuck between the computer and the door, for like... 1 hour? before my sister came back and I asked her to go out... In the end, we finally stepped out at 8 after she spent the whole half an hour styling her hair. And to where else but Orchard... Kind of my favourite hanging out place - there are attractive people everywhere down the whole of the streets. She's meeting her DB friends actually and I was making my way to Taka from P.S. and was just passing O.G. when she called and told me to go back, which I did and we had dinner at MoS... Yummm... I ended being in their conversation. Before that my sis was warning me not to act funny, in a weird way I mean, because I'm just shy around people, especially my siblings' friends. First thing, it's the age gap and second thing they are completely strangers to me. So I solved it all by occupying my mouth with food so that I didn't need to talk in the beginning till about 20 minutes later? By that time, I eased myself and felt easy once again so yeah, ended up talking. Since my sister didn't comment about me being strange, I guess it means good. Bought snacks and brought it to Mac without buying anything. There's this outdoor tables and there's practically a lot of customers so nobody took notice of us. My sister's friend seemed drunk when she's not and she was there singing and singing... Crapped with them for a little while more and I left P.S. at about... 11+ when they decided to go Starbucks to have some real beverage. I was still thinking who might be able to go out with me at such a late hour when I was on the bus. Ame... She had to come up with some lies again and I didn't want that. WM... Sat was her NP day... Classmates... Either I'm not close with them or that they are not allowed to go out on such a late hour... Parents again I guess... They had to give a reasonable explanation to their parents and had to wait for them to give permission but a person like me... I guess nobody even cared... It's like that's my problem if I step out of the house and what time I return is also my problem. Unless, I forgot my keys...

Man... I'm beginning to crap again but just bear with it okay...

Then I'm totally deprived of my sleep yesterday when I was watching the TV from Waterboys to Xi Cong Tian Jiang to Joe Millionaire and that ended at... 2.55? That's a.m. mind you and I slept only at 3.30 and woke up at... 5.15? I'm just crazy, I woke up to go online to reply some e-mails and wrote that Reflection about colours thing. Forgot to study for the Chi. spelling too....

But now... I'm totally awake, after eating lots and lots of cereals, pumpkins and fish fillet! Guess I'll take a nap at around 6...

Wondering what to do about the Bio test and SS hw tomorrow --

2004-03-25T19:30:00.001+08:00

Just got through 4 tests today and they were okay, surprisingly. Feel that nothing can stop me now. Been feeling so high these days. I bet my classmates saw how crazy I was today, to be laughing, laming around, even when teachers are around. WM was really nice too, she kept on playing with my hair for no reason. She's my support in my sec school life, she's my greatest teacher in school, if you ask me. Kelvin asked whether WM and I are lesbians and I said yes. A flirty lesbian. But how weird a lesbian I am. I think about guys, a lot, especially when I'm happy.

I'm letting go of chances, especially today. Maybe things are just not meant to be. Maybe things will work out better this way. Maybe chances will spring up again. Maybe... maybe...

These days...
There are more smiles on my face, more love in my heart, more serenity in my mind. Do you guys ever listen to the natural sounds around you? That's what I'm doing now... The wind is blowing... softly, strongly, it becomes a breeze again, then dies down. The leaves of the trees are playing with each other, making whistlings as they meet and part, and stopping when they are tired. The children too, how true are their expressions, how trouble-free they sound, how carefree they scream. Sometimes, it's nice just to put all the burden that we have on our shoulders, hiding them up in some place far away and just really be yourself, let your soul out and tell the whole world your feelings.

The days full of tears are gone, each morning seems more inviting, each day brings me hope, each night brings me pleasant memories. I'm actually looking forward to living, to experiencing, to enjoying. These are feelings I never had before. The clock ticks faster than usual, faster than I could catch up, to realize what I'm really doing, where I am and how I survive each passing day.

My why-s:
Why are people after big things when what really makes them happy are small, insignificant stuff?

Why are people desperate for love when love couldn't be chased at all and would only come to you in its own will? Why can't they make do with unrequited love? After all, "To love and win is the best thing; to love
and lose, the next best." -- William M. Thackeray. Doesn't that make sense to you? It's a blessing to be able to fine someone you love!

My thoughts:
Let those that hate hate and let those that love love. That's the real world. That's the way nature works. No restrictions. Just pure emotions.

There are too many 'if-s' in our lives. In fact they are infinite. So why bother changing the old you? What you have got is the you in the tomorrow, that can be moulded, you can be your own fate-creator.

΅

·bethankful·begratified·becontented·besatisfied·
·beglad·beappreciative·bepleased·befulfilled·

scrammed▫beaming --

2004-03-19T21:22:00.000+08:00

Just feel like typing some more...

Life is never just smooth sailing for me.

In Indo --
I was born into this world. A quite well-to-do family, yeah that's great, have a personal care-taker who took care of me 24-7 when I was young. I never ever took a bus, a taxi. I was driven to school, driven home, played at the nearby park every day. I had almost everything I wanted, tons and tons of toys to play with, I remembered it was Super Nintendo at that time, I had it all to myself. I had like 3 dogs, hamsters, iguanas, fish, birds, tortoises, chickens, etc.

Great, people would say, I wish I had a life like that...

Yeah, that's just the nice side of my life. It covered up the fact that I could only play with my care-taker. My brother was already in SG when I was 2? 3? My sister followed when I was only 5. I had no one to talk to. In a day, I had only about 3-4 hours of interacting with my parents. That's the maximum. Why, of course, I was affected. I was a spoilt girl, I don't take responsible for my actions, there's no one to stop me anyway! My results were rubbish; my parents didn't scold, didn't beat, didn't utter a word. I was rude and was naughty at times, but they just let me have my way. I didn't have a friend in kindergarten. I wasn't smart, and all they wanted to be friends with was the intelligent ones. All I could do was to follow behind, far behind, watching the popular girls in front, happily chatting away about cartoons or the new pencils/toys they had. What did I talk about? Haha... nothing. They can't afford to lend an ear to me. Well, I could still survive though, anyway during my breaks, it would be my maid beside me. There's even a time that my parents had to care about my friendships. I didn't want to go to school. The popular girl in class didn't want to be friends with me, I hated school, I hated her. I refused to get out of bed. Instead of reprimanding me, what my Mom did was told my maid to tell the teacher that. The popular girl got told off instead, we did become 'friends' again but was that really what they called friends?

I became that anti-social, I wasn't even able to make my cousins like me. They see me as a silly girl. They pitied me. How often can I meet my siblings? Twice in a year. Do I know them? No.

Did my parents ever asked what happened in school? No. Did they know what problems I had? No. Did they know how many friends I got? No. Did they know how my friends treat me? No. Did they know what the teachers say about me? No. Who truly cares about me then?

I cried a lot. A lot. A lot. I demanded more and more. There was even a time when I called my Dad when they just left for work, crying on the phone, telling them how lonely I was. What did they do? They came back. They didn't go to work for that day. They accompanied me the whole day. They took me to the mall. But do they know the reason why I was feeling so? No.

I asked to be sent to SG to study. I thought it would be better. My sister, at least was there. She can be my friend. At the hostel which my aunt owns, there are a lot of other Indonesians who are just like me, foreign to the new surroundings, it would be a great chance to make friends, or so I thought.

At first, things went on smoothly, they doted on me, but as time goes by, some of them was irritated and annoyed by me. I remembered once whereby two girls probably 5,6 years older than me, talking bad about me, and I just happen to hear it. I saw the disgusted face when they were talking about me. I don't know why, but it just happened. Some of the friends whom I thought was trustworthy, wasn't. They broke the promise of keeping what I said to themselves. I started school but I was different. Everybody in the class were Singaporean. I was the odd one out. I joined the class late. They already had their so-called best friends so what I could do, again was just to tail others. I studied hard. I didn't want to be like before. I want to be the smartest one around. I want to have friends. I want to be popular. So what I did was assessments and more assessments, I bet I did most compared to my friends. I was in the first position when I was in primary 2. My teacher said I was intelligent, I had potential, I saw friends approaching me, but I felt that they weren't true. They just wanted to know how to score higher marks, how to top the class. Everything was wrong. So wrong. What my parents say about my achievements? Nothing. Did my siblings accompanied me all day? No. They had their own group of friends and had their own studies to be worried about.

Once again, I'm a loner.

I remembered in Primary 5, at least 3-5 people hated me, destested me. Words go around you know... They spread like an epidemic. More and more people saw me in a different light then. Although they didn't hate me, they didn't like me either. I remembered I had a best friend and she has two best friends. And what the other best friend thought? That I wanted to steal her away from her, that I was bad. Did I think likewise? No. I let her have her way. In Primary 6, I had no best friends at all. All were just casual friends, or those who I thought was one of my better friends, who treated me better, were only trying to be polite to me.

Secondary life is no better, although I was hoping all would change. I stepped into school with a positive thinking but, I wasn't popular. They made friends based on looks now. Those pretty ones get a lot of attention and made a lot of friends and what was I? A nobody. I went home day after day, hiding in front of the computer, chatting with strangers just to get a feeling of having a good friend, a listener, a confider. Almost all of my classmates had at least 2 or more best friends by the end of sec 2 and me, I only had the computer as my friend. My friends were people who played the same games as me, who I communicate with without knowing their true identity. Guess I really had problems making friends and was more anti-social?

Now... I don't even have 10 friends.

How pathetic I am.

Even though things have changed now, at least I do have true good friends but... it's of no use to those bad memories...

I can:^{- Bury _them- Hide _{- Run}away _to the _end of _the Earth}
but these memories will still follow like shadow.

Depressed --

2004-03-19T20:26:00.000+08:00

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Yeah, so I continue now... Actually I didn't know what really happened. The night before they said The Haunted Mansion was the show we were going to watch but... suddenly they kind of say... The Eye 2? Well whatever, so sad nobody paid for my ticket! *sobx* Hmmm but even if somebody wants to pay for me, I'll feel bad... Then it was really the shortest fast food meal ever taken. C.M. + M.M. practically gobbled up their food?! Less than 5 minutes I think. I'll not be able to do that. Ever. Anyway... We had about 30 minutes to waste before the show so I kind of wanted to look for the Adidas shoes [kid's size] by the way but... no luck. I kind of lead them all the way, they didn't know where to go so I just walked in erm those selling cartoon character based products store and yeah... That's about all. Bought family combo [L. popcorn + 2 drinks] and I don't know how come I paid for them all when all I had was half the popcorn. My $6.50! Gawd!And M.M. owes me $2.50 + last time bubble tea $2.00. Hmmm... I'll have to think up of something...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Eye 2: [People who want to watch the show, skip this part!]

Actually don't know what happen. The show started with Shu Qi [forgot what's her name in the show] calling her supposedly boyfriend asking him what colour he like more - light or dark green. The guy was very cold to her and she became erm... bu shuang lah... Then the guy told her to call him back at night which she did after she went on a shopping spree [think there are like 15 bags?] and locked herself in her hotel room and forcing some 20 white capsules? Don't think it's sleeping pills, she was wide awake, quite. Then she called the guy then the guy said what happened to her then she was talking when... Tooot toooot toooot the phone was hung up. She threw her handphone and ate some more capsules. She lay on her bed and suddenly there are the whole room full of ghosts, staring at her. She woke up in the hospital then the doctors were like sucking some yellowish brown substance through her nose. She was well, then went from Bangkok back to HK. Tried to look for the guy but the guy ignored her. Then I don't know what sequence these scenes came in - the bathtub scene where she saw a reflection of a woman, an old crippled man at the Chinese Clinic where the physician said she was pregnant, the same woman jumping off the MRT platform to the railways, a woman with plaits at both front and back of her body, a voice asking her "Xiao jie, xian zai ji dian zhong - Miss, what time is it now?" which followed by two bodies falling from the sky. She saw her friend's deceased husband too and she went to the hospital, was bleeding from something I don't know what, she witness souls trying to go into some woman's womb while she was in labour. Then she became sort sort already. She thought those souls were evil and while she was with her friend eating pasta, she thought that a male ghost was trying to have sex with her friend's daughter. [ridiculous] She investigated about the woman who committed suicide at the MRT and went to her past house only to find who else but her ex. The woman turns out to be his wife and she was standing behind him all the time. He explained that she found out about their relationship and when they were having dinner that night, Shu Qi called him and she pleaded him not to answer but he did in the end, so the woman shouted that he was going to regret it all his life and stormed out of the door then committed suicide. That's when the BF suddenly hang up the phone. Then Shu Qi's water bag broke because of the wife and she was admitted to the hopsital. The friend was beside her and that night she saw soul trying to get it into the erm woman's *toot* to the baby and Shu Qi kept on thinking that the ghosts were trying to harm those babies, well anyway, she knows that the wife of her ex-bf wanted to get into her womb so to stop it, she climbed all the way up and... she fell. Just like that. Finally, the ghost talked to her and told her all she wanted is to be reincarnated and that she won't let Shu Qi die. So, of course in the end, she lived and got to like her baby.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There's missing bits and pieces and a bit 'jia' for some scenes but well... I'll still rate it 6½ /10. Shu Qi is the one that made the show at least watchable. Not very scary and thrilling if you ask me but I agree that the sound system is a bit too loud for the ears' comfort. Was wishing C.M. would take the great opportunity to at least be friendlier to E.T. when nobody's watching. They were in front of M.M. and me so yeah we get to see their every movement. If only E.T. was sitting alone with him, but then again she'll feel weird without her friend. Haiixxx but I saw their heads getting close at one point of time heehee...

It was raining after that so the girls waited a bit before going and E.T.'s mom fetched them in... Mercedes. Wow... They went off and then C.M. no mood liao, went home and I was bad, I won't deny, in walking towards Orchard MRT instead of Somerset's but I don't know what got into me. Then walked to far east with M.M. then M.M. went home and I stayed alone in Orchard till 6.10 - 9.10? Enjoyed the private moments. Eyed the Tommy Hilfiger slippers again. I'm really going to buy it! Met Eun.K. with two other girls - always meet her wherever I go, no idea why.

Today - nothing much. CO practice was a bit boring. Tired...

Too tired to feel anything --

2004-03-19T12:36:00.000+08:00

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It hasn't been a fruitful holiday but at least I enjoyed myself quite okay.

Monday was the Yue talking-shit day, I felt like leaving early when he said, "Those who feel like going, I leave the choice to you." But... WM wanted to stay. It was like revising for practical exams for two hours and half the time, he's talking nonsense. Anyway, let's not treat him that badly. At least, he tries to help we, these bunchful of hopeless 'boys and girls' to score better in Chemistry. No principal does that, at least none that I know. Then walked out with XXYY~ realised that it's more than a year... It's been more than a year since we shared our secrets by going to each other's houses during the holiday. She talking about her, me talking about me. And those long afternoons that I got to play QQ, it's really worth thinking back. Those, were the happy days that I once had, the carefree me, heck-care-about-anything me. And those, were so far away from now. Hmm... even remembered that I was the MM pro! Geex if only I had those willingness to memorise the stuff on my studies as well... I would not be in this school anymore. Maybe I'd become Sg's top genius. Hahaxxx 'obese' hope. Think that's pretty much all for Monday, was online the whole night if my memory is still working properly then TV after that?

Tuesday... Can't recall... Oh... CO!!! Yeah... Then... Then... No idea what happened. Guess it's more playing and stuff.

And so, so I went to town for the last two days.

On Wednesday, I walked myself from Taka, it was raining quite a bit [#@%^&(@#]. Checked out the library at the [erm] 7th floor? Then saw this cookie book and suddenly felt like making some. The usual stuff... Chocolate Chip Cookies but that will have to wait. Did some window shopping and was eyeing two Tommy Hilfiger's footwear but I'll wait for a shopping companion before buying. Have to start saving some money. I want a new Adidas sports shoes too! Went to Scotts shopping centre and noticed this shop selling all black clothings. Cool... I really love black... Maybe... If I have the money next time. It seemed so high-classed that I didn't even dare to lay a foot on the shop. Ame called me and said to meet at PS, so I spent like some 20 minutes walking and finally I was early in meeting her! Maybe that's the second time? Heexx... Really very dui bu qi her. She really was like a girl when she saw these whole erm... stretch of preserved food near the cinema I almost could see sparkles in her eyes. She was going, "Wow, I really like this place man!" Guess she had a thing or two for those preserved stuff but she bought cuttlefish instead. Both the golden-brown and the red one. Then I bought some snacks from Carrefour and we just went on with our usual stuff of talking in Mcdonalds. Think we talked for about 2 hours? Just continuous opening and closing of our mouths, polluting the surroundings there. Yeah, then talked about guys and more guys and more guys. Sad that time passed by so quickly and yeah, we just went home after that. Nothing special but that's the good thing of being with a best friend. You just enjoy the moments together, no matter where you are. And maybe there's some curse on the 17th March. J.T. was depressed, M.M. was bu shuang but I managed to cheer them up a bit. Really wished I was good in consoling people that night but all ended well. Realised that C.M. was interested in E.T. [haha] so M.M. and me agreed to accompany C.M. to meet her the next day.

Thursday - Was pretty early in getting up. It's Chocolate Cookie Day, Chocolate Cookie Day~ Creaming, mixing, adding, mixing, more mixing, tasting, adding, mixing. So fun!! Don't know why but I guess I'm a little difference in that sense. Most of the girls will be into erm... doing homework? Shopping? But I'm not so. Ever pictured myself as a baker next time but... if that's true there's no point in studying now, right? I might as well stop studying. Anyways the cookies turn out well. At first it was really salty think I accidentally put in too much salt but after adding in some more ingredients in, it was perfect. I'll try to take a picture of them and post it here. Sister said it's good enough to sell but that's what she says for almost anything I make -.- Maybe she's just trying to make me happy. Was supposed to meet the people at 1.30 but I reached 15 minutes later, not knowing that the E.T. and friend was even later. Geex... They were really cute people and I think quite well-off? Then E.T. looked like Ying Ying, quite, just that her hair is naturally straight and she's a bit shorter that YY. But she's taller than me and only Sec 2. Oh my goodness!!! Erm... 5 cm taller if that gives you an idea of how short I am. Good I was wearing the 10 cm high-heels so I looked taller than her. Her friend looked like somebody I know too but I just couldn't recall who. Then the whole way, M.M. kept teasing me of how short I look, parroting me here and there, really reminded me of my brother. I miss him!!

I'll be late if I don't go for CO now... In fact I'm already late. I'll continue updating later =]

2004-03-15T06:42:00.000+08:00

Here are the results... Not satisfactory but... It's only common test...

As you can see, my languages are poor and I don't get it why Ms. Lim thought my English was good. I failed it!!! That's 14 for L1R5. Way to go!

Friday was Jia Min's birthday. Shared a S.H.E. cd + vcd with WM. Then still got the poster some more. Can't stand it... To think that she treats us like her dog and we repay cruelty with kindness. Haiixxx... There was talentime after school but I didn't go because people had to pay for it to go into the lecture hall. You know... I'm a so terribly poor, without-any-cent girl! Anyways, I rushed home after my sectional practice, tried to 'doll up' myself as fast as I can but in the end I was still late in meeting Amelia at Bugis. After that, we went to the cold storage and got a box of Shell-shaped chocolates. If I did not remember wrongly, it was Guylian. In all, I was in Bugis for 5 minutes only before we two take the MRT to Kembangan. Amelia was so so sad that day, I wish I could do more to cheer her up. It was about her house stuff again, about how unhappy she was with some of the committee members. Although she's the captain, the vice-captains have to assist her all the time right? And yet they are pushing all the work onto her! How unfair. Plus it's true that knowing me has made her life more unfair. She have to wait for me all the time. I still can't figure out why I have the bad habit of being late. Sorry Ame!!! Anyway, called ZL when we reached and waited for 10 minutes while we two were still catching up on the latest 'news'. ZL came with... let me see... think 4 or 5 more guys and he started introducing us to them and them to us. One was called banana?!!? and the others, I can't remember. One guy was from CCHM though and he really made fun of me, gee how dare he! He's secondary 3 LY but he kind of look older than me. Later on, I realized that they were all from the same Community Centre and that they played basketball together. Great to have friends like them. They were nice. Didn't seem so shy but their mouth boxes can't stop opening and closing. That's good, they were entertaining both of us. Then Ame was being called the smart girl from RGS. I pity her. She doesn't like people to call her that. It was only about 5+ minutes to his house and my my, his house is like 3 times bigger than mine. Semi-detached, 3 storeys and there were a whole lot of people. About 40 I think. It was his brother's birthday yet we were there being extras, his sister's friends were there too and of course, also his brother's friends. Then I kind of thought ZL might be picked up from somewhere. The whole family look so different! Anyway, they got a dog too!!! So cute!!! Never went near me though =[ It was with one of the girl all the time. Started helping ourselves with cokes, green teas, chicken wings, french fries, fish balls and there was fried rice too. Talked with that group of boys when suddenly we were being called to sing the birthday song, then later cutting of cakes, then serving of cakes to us! Wowwwiieexx... So so nice!!! Chocolate with blueberry filling and icing with real thin chocolates. If only the chocolates were dark chocolates I would say that's probably one of the best chocolate cake I've tasted to date. It was about 50 - 60 cm in length. Yes, it was that huge. ZL said that the cake was made at BL's shop, maybe they got a huge huge discount, that's why. Then it was about 8.50 p.m. When he suggested that we play cards. Played blackjack at first, then some daring game, then mosquito. By that time it was already 9.15. Ame had to go. She had been lying to her parents that she was going out with her house people you know, so I went home too, I mean, I couldn't expect myself to be the only one left there, and it's good to accompany her too. So I reached home about 10.20? (Accompanied Ame home first) Then had a glimpse of the American Idol Special. Haha... That show was really funny! People who didn't know how to sing tried to be in the competition and they only ended up being comedians. They should change their ambitions. William Hung was cute too! "Can you feel the love tonight" and "She bangs!". His dancing is so childlike, in fact I think he looks as if he's about 11 years old. Anyway, anyway... Think I dozed off after that.

Saturday is always a day for CO. Dread it all the time. Ended quite fast though and the practice was rather smooth, except the 'Shen Bi Ma Liang' which is almost impossible for me to master? Wanted to send brother to the airport and I made myself ready, only to discover later on that his friends are also sending him, so I changed my mind. Was online till about 6 when I decided that I want to go out. Heaven was truly 'kind' to me. Sent rain down after I reach the bus stop. Met some CO people near Kallang there, Vera, Abelyn, Long Hui, Yong Xi, Chong Wu and some others whom I don't recognise. Felt kind of uneasy with them being there. I'm not at all close to CO people. It started to pour in torrents then at long last, I got a seat!!! Those people stopped at Plaza Singapura (thank goodness) and I alighted at the Orchard MRT, then headed towards Taka's Kinokuniya. Weird right? Went so far just to browse books at some book store; but I love books! Spent about 3 hours there, walking around, reading, looking for a proper book to buy and I got one! Some self-enrichment book. Then asked sister to go there from lau pa sat and I don't know how come she was really good enough to do as I said, I mean, after that, we went home straight away! Was nauseous from reading on the bus, it's that usual bus sickness again, but the book was great! Oh yeah... When brother left, he left his Panasonic X70 with me. *Weeeweeetttt* Can take Pictures liao~ Lalalala~

One of the first few pictures: My right eye!

Sunday, woke up and find myself playing. Then sis sort of nagging me to go and buy food while she went out to have fun. Sighx... Went at 2+ after doing stuff at friendster and playing GB. I bought my maid BK while I bought myself 3 pathetic sushis. (Heex actually I had had lunch and she hadn't) Grazed through till about 7, had a proper dinner and I played again. I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to finish my holiday assignments. Played GB with ZH, then with JT till about 11.45, watched Water Boys for a bit and continued watching till 12.45 and fell asleep again.

News update on the handphone thing: It was some guy my maid got to know when she first came here and she had made tons of lies! That particular day, 23rd February 2004, after I left for school, she went down without telling anybody (she had a lot of excuses for doing so) to the park across the street to meet her friend. Then her handphone rang and she took it out to receive it when that guy hit the handphone off her hand, picked it up and took off. And she, stupidly, didn't tell us the truth for don't-know-what reasons and told her she had accidentally left it at the phone booth and found it missing when she got back. It was only about 1 and a half weeks later that she told my sister and brother the truth, I don't know it wan't not me, and she went to the Police Office at the Marine Parade Neighbourhood to make a police report. I had no idea why she didn't want to go with my brother instead of her maid friend but that was it. Then yesterday, she told my sister she would be leaving the house at 11 because the guy wanted to return her the handphone and blahx... and she came back at 11.30 only to say that the boy had not turned up. Man, she's a whole lot of trouble. Anyways, later on, she commented that maybe she won't get back the handphone after all and that the police are not doing anything to retrieve it back for her. It's like her fault isn't it?

Left wondering, dreading the day with Mr. Yue --

2004-03-11T05:37:00.000+08:00

I should be updating more anyway right? JM? Although I think there are no much people reading but it's the place to let my feelings out, put that mask down, speak of my true feelings and... crap.

I didn't put on my contact lenses today but I didn't want to use my specs. Well, I did when we are correcting our papers but other than that, no. Hope not a lot of people saw it. I really do look awful.=X

Anyway, walked out with Cai Yun yesterday and there's this new shop where it used to be the place where they sell the 'Pau Dian' food and I got to warn everybody! The food sold isn't nice. Some of the fillings were not really done yet and it does not taste nice even a bit. My brother said they'll have to close down soon. Hmm... he's a bit evil, isn't he?

I headed to Bugis to meet my brother and Mingyan. We just went round and round, round and round the place. Looked at restaurants first, then at some cute stuff at the third level and I decided that I was really hungry. So we went looking at the restaurants again and settled with Yoshinoya in the end. Didn't want to have the meal at there, really, so I just bought brownies and breads and 'smuggled' it in. The brownies were nice! Yuuuummmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy!!!! It was Cold Storage after that, Sim Lim then another supermarket called Sheng Siong. It said 'hypermarket' but I don't see a lot of differences. Bought a lot of tidbits and about 3 boxes of cereals. The stuff there are really so so cheap! 4 small packets of potato chips for $1, and there are some stuff that are sold half price of the regular supermarkets. There was a fresh market at the basement too. It was then that I knew why my brother wanted to go to Bugis. (He didn't go down to the basement). Mingyan told me that he's going to Indo on Saturday. *sobx* And the worse part is that he and I both don't know when he's coming back here again. Went home after that and started on those tidbits. Yum yum. Packed a bit for the Chinese file, watched a bit of American Idol and... slept.

Another sad news to add on: my mom had promised she'll be here during the March holidays but since my brother is going there, I don't think they'll be coming here. *sighx* Lonely, lonely days... Guess I'll have to wait till April when my sister will be celebrating her birthday. To tell you the truth, sometimes, I don't even miss my parents one bit. They seem so far, so so far, so so so far, from me even when they are just beside me. There's a lot of communication problems. I can't remember the way to speak fluent Bahasa Indonesia and they can't speak a lot of Mandarin and English. We are like chickens and ducks when we are talking, but the good thing is that I still love my mom and my mom still loves me but I'm not too sure in the case of my father.

5.52a.m. now, and I haven't read the storybook that we are going to be tested on and my Chinese file! Oh God, oh God! But first thing first. I'll have to go eat first. Heex...

Left alone in the cold --

2004-03-09T05:02:00.000+08:00

I finished watching 'A-I'!!! So so nice... but it kind of made me want a boyfriend. Geee... Just somebody to love me and somebody to be loved back, you know... But not just anybody. I got a feeling I would never meet such a person somehow. So it was basically spending about 10 hours watching the vcd and because I woke up at 12, that ends my day. No idea what to do when I'm free, now that I've finished watching.

Something's wrong with my maid, something very wrong. The influence her friend had on her was that much. She wanted to go to the police to report about the handphone incident, with her friend that is. My brother had wanted to go with her but she kind of of said 'no' and cried. -.-" Don't know what's on her mind. She said at first that she forgot to take the handphone with her when she put it down under the phone downstairs our house. Then when she went up she remembered about it and quickly rushed down but found that it had been stolen. That was she told us in the beginning. Then on Friday, she told my sister that the handphone was not actually stolen. Some guy had taken it away and would only return on the condition that she marries him. What stupid condition is that. I hate my maid now. She used to be so nice, but all she do now is slack, slack and slack. She used to iron my school uniform in the afternoon but she only does that in the morning. She used to wake up earlier than me but I have to wake her up these days. She used to keep the house without any specks of dust, now shells have been collecting them. I think we would not want her after the June holidays, about July or so, when her work permit ends. We would not have another maid I think. The three we had had been enough. One was forced to marry when she went back (she was actually very nice though, she knows her ways with us, she even knows how to make my brother laugh), another one got pregnant with some guy (she had a rabbit teeth and went for operation to clear that up) and now... all these had been happening to my maid. Moreover, my mother hate people who lie to her, she would not get away with it. Having another maid as a friend is already enough and she got herself into trouble with some guy. The guy might be her friend's boyfriend. It's really complicated.

I got back my e-maths on Monday, saw my mistakes and in a moment hated myself for being so careless, but I'll have to be happy. At least I reach my goal. I don't know why, but they had changed the timetable for Monday to Friday's then on Friday, we'll have Monday's. It rained the whole day, and even now, there's still a slight drizzle. Stayed in school to wait for the rain to stop but it only lighten. Spent the time crapping with Cecilia and Zhe Hao. When I reached home, I found that my brother had not eaten. He was complaining about my maid again. She had said that she wouldn't go out anymore after reporting to the police and in the morning she just went out without telling my brother to... cut hair. How silly is that! I know her, she used to cut her hair herself. I think she just want to get out of the house. My brother wanted to lock her up today, when my sister and me are at school and he's going out too. I don't symphatize her. She had done so much that anger us.

Cooked some noodles + a few simple dish for brother and we ate without leaving a single one for the maid. We are bad but we are helping her diet too ain't we? I'm not ever going to buy snacks for her again. We had all along been too good to her. She needs to know that we would not always let her have her way. She's not here on vacation anyway. Why should we pay her when all she does is to talk and meet her friend?

I slept at 9.30 and thought I would wake up to watch Xi Jie but only woke up now.

Hope I'll have a great day in school. Getting back English I think.

Off to play games --

2004-03-06T06:55:00.002+08:00

Having a really bad sorethroat now, + , yesterday I was having sore eyes.

Exams have been really terrible. I'll write down the marks once I got all of the papers back.

On Friday, WM and me went to the Penang!Penang! after the Biology paper and the food there's great. Should try if you haven't. But one thing that's weird. When we went in, nobody was there! Then we were like whispering to ourselves, wondering why there are no music being played and everything. After for about like 3 minutes, the workers there switched on the CD player. The food came quickly and they were really superb. We ordered Assaam Laksa, Char Kway Teow and Belachan Chicken and the portions were generous. Then we lamed around that maybe we are like the food critics going around and even started this stuff by writing down the name of the restaurant, the food we have eaten, their value for money, services they provided and our ratings. Went to Parkway after that and left at about 8.30?

Saturday... Nothing much, just that we went to the 'Body World'. The workers there were like saying stuff about no touching, no HPs, no cameras, no running, no talking loudly and the list goes on. We only get to touch the liver and the heart but they didn't seem like the real stuff. I mean they were like waxed and made into plastic looking stuff that it looks unreal. Or maybe they are really fake. Then the growth of foetuses, the deformities they might have, cancers, strokes, metastasis of people, lungs of miners, smokers, etc. All of that for $9. It's a bit expensive I think and who knows whether those are true or not. Moreover, if they are, it won't cost that much to just preserve it, wouldn't it? Then we saw this form by Anthony saying that he wanted to donate his organs and body if he died. Hmmm... I won't be that silly. Oh yeah, Mr. Soon was suddenly interested in Biology. You know why, Ms Lam was there. Then he was always near her and everything then was asking WM and me about when is the latest you can abort a baby just because Ms Lam was near us. Took the wrong direction bus when I'm heading home. Luckily, Mavis got on on the next bus stop. Oh well, so much for wishing that I reach home early. We were one of the few who left last.

Watched 'A-I' 1-8. Yippeee... Nice nice show.

Have to go school now.

Disappeared into thin air --

2004-03-01T19:48:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I do wonder why I'm being so lazy and unmotivated.

Flunked the English test on Saturday. Again, it was because of not enough time. For HCL, it was quite okay. I think I'll pass at least. Cai Yun went my house to stall time till her drum practice. After I sent her to the bus stop, instead of being a good girl and sit down and open my book and starting to read those unfamiliar words for Social Studies, I played games on the computer. Sometimes, I just wish that life is only about enjoying. No people working, no people studying, no people in despair or pain. Everybody was out so I kind of played the whole day and ate chocolates (milk... eewww!). There's nothing wrong with eating chocolate unless you eat too much and that was what I did. I finish more than 3/4 the family block (it was cadbury). Stayed up till 5 in the morning...

Woke up only 12 hours later only to find myself using the computer again. Checked and replied some e-mails and read 'Zel'. I only started my revision after dinner. Did e-maths for 1 hour and opened my SS TB (at last!) while watching some Japanese show at 9+. Had the TV as a music background while studying after that till about 10.30 and watched some show about a blind person leading a normal life. Then it was water boys, after that friends. So I practically watched the shows, and although I was having the TB in my hands, I wasn't reading it. *sighxxx* What has gotten over me? My friends would have already finish by then and I did attempy to get the whole chunk into my head but to no avail. Friends was really, extremely, very, superbly, marvellously enjoyable, truly. But what happened in the show is only fiction, it wouldn't actually exist in real life, in this cold world, would it?

I woke up at about 5.30, from a dream so vivid that it lingers in my mind throughout the day, even during my exams. Shan't write it down here, nevertheless. Purely secret. The dream made my day. Even now, I find myself smiling, thinking about it. Watched cardcaptor while trying to cram in the last bit of facts I could from the SS TB. It was terrible in school today. Obviously, I can't remember all the facts in the SS TB, even though there was only one chapter to cover. Or should I say, I'm bad in memorising. It was horrible for e-maths too. I've been doing it so slow! I know I could really have done better. Anyway there was this talk by this person who was an ex studnet in the school. He must be near to his fifties and I felt kind of sorry for him. Although I'm guilty of chit-chatting, day dreaming, yawning and fooling around while he was talking, I can't help it. I mean the things he said were more like what job he is having at the moment and how he came so far. I can't recall anything he said clearly and they were passing these food products that his company makes, mainly lasagne and some cream soups in packet. There was actually ash in the composition of the soup. My... my... Didn't ever see them in the supermarkets though. Since I came home from school just now, I've not been studying. I was reading 'Zel' again (it's a variation of the rapunzel story, but with more descriptions and details), then slept for 3 hours (who knows, I may become a pig sooner or later), read the book again and I'm here writing this and playing some online games.

My brother resigned. Imagine it... People being retrenched and had difficulties finding a job but he kind of just leave everything and said, " I want to quit my job. " Well him quitting means something. I won't have my private afternoons anymore, unless he does go out but I would have company when having lunch and dinner. Really, it's a give and take world.

*Slap myself hard on the face* *Shake myself real hard* 'GO STUDYYYYYYY!!!'

Left deep in thoughts --

2004-02-27T21:26:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling really low these days, not knowing where is my direction in life, not knowing who my true friends are, not knowing what lies ahead for me, not knowing what to expect, not knowing how to live life, not knowing how to survive...

What am I anyway? One of the billions of people that are existing because of the sin Adam and Eve committed?

I should be happy, I should be contented, I should be satisfied, I should be grateful, I should be positive, I should be loving, I should be thankful, but am I?

I got my CL O's yesterday, it's an A1. So what? It doesn't mean anything yet I saw people cry, people shout, people in joy and people like me - feeling numb.

Others had parents, friends, siblings, teachers, to share their joys with or to pour out their sorrows to, but me, I have nobody. My family didn't even know that I had my results back and I didn't bother to tell them. They won't care even for just a few seconds anyway. I'm me, they are them.

I have exams later. But, so what? There would be nobody who would care anyway. I'm tired... Just tired... Too tired...

Maid lost her handphone. She's been so affected.

It's an unfair world and we still have to play the game.
The only way to conquer it... is to be unfair yourself...

Left in tears --